Why don't you just...? or My Patronus.

If you've not been in an abusive relationship, it's quite difficult to relate or even imagine. Being in an abusive relationship is not merely coping with a slap or a punch; it's fighting for sanity in a world gone mad.
Being in an abusive relationship is to wake up in a world where black is white, hate is love and love is hate. It is to fall asleep in heaven and wake up in hell. One can behave reasonably, even beautifully, and be cruelly punished; one can be absolutely wretched and be praised. The rules are that there are no rules- one is forever being jerked about by a mad puppeteer, your strings tangling while the puppeteer keeps insisting that you have no strings, and that you lurch about of your own free will.

I lived in a world where eggs over easy is a crime befitting corporal punishment but offering sex for sale was quite permissible. I lived in a world designed to break me, to transform me into something less than human, a mere receptacle for abuse with no sense of self, of boundaries, of what it means to love.
I wish I could say that it was an unfamiliar world before I married. However, I cannot recall a time when I lacked strings or a puppeteer. Even now, I battle the attempts to control my every move, to convince me that abuse is what I deserve, that I and my son are unworthy of safety and love. But now, I've a weapon that I lacked before.

You should know that I am a Harry Potter geek. For those unfamiliar with the series, it recounts the adventures of a boy wizard as he comes of age. In the third installment, Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, the reader is introduced to creatures called Dementors, who spread fear and despair in humans, and can remove the very soul from a person. There is a way to counter their evil effects- the Patronus charm. The Patronus is a visible representation of the best hopes, the happiest moments of a person's life, and repels the Dementors when the charm is cast.

While I've been beset by Dementors for years, my attempts to cast a Patronus charm have not been terribly successful. I've not had an unmixed joy or undashed hope in my life, unfortunately, and this sort of magic is not to be attempted when one's happiest moment must be carefully edited to remove memories of the criticism that preceded or followed. It wasn't until this year, however, that I had reason to hope and rejoice that refuses to be tainted or diminished in any way.

It's Zak, of course. Who else could it be? I won't pretend that he can love me, not yet, but I love him more than I can say, and that's what matters. He is glowingly healthy, happy, and smart, and I can't help but think that his well-being is due to my care. He brings me joy, he gives me a reason to believe that tomorrow will be a better day, as today is a better day due to him. Before he was born, he gave me the courage to fight back and leave, and to continue to fight. He cannot stand on his own, but it is he that helps me stand up for myself. It took much more than a strip of wood and a few words to bring him here, but he is my hero.