Our First Ramadan.

Ramadan, in years past, was a bustling affair involving whipping up rich stews and dashing from iftar to iftar. I volunteered for fund raising events and balanced printing out flyers with attending Taraweeh. It was a busy and wonderful time with friends and a peace that seemed quite at home in the midst of a flurry of activity. I'd hoped that Ramadan would improve even more when I married. I was wrong.

I spent my first Ramadan as a married woman in a roach infested apartment, preparing rich meals that were sometimes ignored, sometimes criticized, by my ex and his sister. I would prepare suhur amidst complaints from my ex's sister, as she's not Muslim and never missed an opportunity to, well, sneeze in my ice cream. My first Eid as a married woman was spent alone due to a protection order. As they say, "cheer up, things could get worse". Well, I cheered up- and they did get worse.

My last Ramadan as a married woman was last year. I spent it trying to flee, fearing miscarriage due to the violence I experienced at my ex's hands, and wondering where my ex was and with whom. Eid was spent with him pondering marriage proposals from other women, before a loud argument in IHOP. It was the most blessed of months, but I came to dread this time, for my hopes were higher than ever for a happy family life, which meant that they were more cruelly dashed.

This year? Alas, no fasting- my milk supply is too fragile for that. And I've not had a chance to go to the mosque, either. I've not been in a mosque for Ramadan since before I married. But it's the best Ramadan in years. Hearty muffins prepared for the suhur of an acquaintance of mine, reading Qur'an with Zak in my lap, and holding Zak during prayers. It's an unconventional Ramadan, but it's got family, worship, and great food- just about everything needed to make Ramadan complete.

I've got finishitis!

For some strange reason, I'm determined to finish the projects I have on my needles before beginning another. For non-knitters, it may seem strange, but having several projects in progress is the natural state of being a knitter; to focus on one project from start to finish is something of an aberration. I've wondered why this is- after all, you don't get to show off your finished objects if you don't have any. Then, I cast on.

Knitting is an adventure. Each stitch, each yarn over, takes us closer to a destination unique to every knitter, for no two knitters are alike. Knitters often make slight (or dramatic) changes to a pattern, lengthening sleeves here, adding cables there. This creates an object even more different from that created by the designer. Knitting is not the mindless parroting of a designer's will- it is a dance of the fingers that makes art of piles of string.

I've blocked and sewn up Zak's bath mitt, and the swatch for his sweater has been blocked and gauge noted. But before I'll allow myself to buy the new size four needles to start on his cardi in earnest, I must, I must, I must finish this sock. It's my first pair, for Zak, and in a charming shade of yellow green. I've already done the first, and got down to the heel on the second. Perhaps this is a new knitter's disease- Postpartum Second Sock Syndrome? I started the first sock while in labor, and managed to finish it by some miracle while Zak was a newborn. Yet, the turning of the heel for the second sock stopped me cold for a while.

Knitting a sock is the closest thing to magic that can be accomplished without a scantily clad assistant. You use straight needles to create a round tube, and without bending the needles or the time-space continuum in any way, you change direction. No seams, no glue, just knitting around and around until you're at the toe- or cuff, depending on where you started- and you graft or cast off your way to an exquisitely well-fitting sock.

But the allure of this magic trick seems to fade with the second sock- no matter how many socks a knitter makes, the second holds less charm than the first. I'm determined to finish before I start a new project, in part because I tire of white socks on Zak, am too cheap to buy colored socks when I have some on my needles, and just because I want to. Oh well.

Happy Knitting!

Why don't you just...? or My Patronus.

If you've not been in an abusive relationship, it's quite difficult to relate or even imagine. Being in an abusive relationship is not merely coping with a slap or a punch; it's fighting for sanity in a world gone mad.
Being in an abusive relationship is to wake up in a world where black is white, hate is love and love is hate. It is to fall asleep in heaven and wake up in hell. One can behave reasonably, even beautifully, and be cruelly punished; one can be absolutely wretched and be praised. The rules are that there are no rules- one is forever being jerked about by a mad puppeteer, your strings tangling while the puppeteer keeps insisting that you have no strings, and that you lurch about of your own free will.

I lived in a world where eggs over easy is a crime befitting corporal punishment but offering sex for sale was quite permissible. I lived in a world designed to break me, to transform me into something less than human, a mere receptacle for abuse with no sense of self, of boundaries, of what it means to love.
I wish I could say that it was an unfamiliar world before I married. However, I cannot recall a time when I lacked strings or a puppeteer. Even now, I battle the attempts to control my every move, to convince me that abuse is what I deserve, that I and my son are unworthy of safety and love. But now, I've a weapon that I lacked before.

You should know that I am a Harry Potter geek. For those unfamiliar with the series, it recounts the adventures of a boy wizard as he comes of age. In the third installment, Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, the reader is introduced to creatures called Dementors, who spread fear and despair in humans, and can remove the very soul from a person. There is a way to counter their evil effects- the Patronus charm. The Patronus is a visible representation of the best hopes, the happiest moments of a person's life, and repels the Dementors when the charm is cast.

While I've been beset by Dementors for years, my attempts to cast a Patronus charm have not been terribly successful. I've not had an unmixed joy or undashed hope in my life, unfortunately, and this sort of magic is not to be attempted when one's happiest moment must be carefully edited to remove memories of the criticism that preceded or followed. It wasn't until this year, however, that I had reason to hope and rejoice that refuses to be tainted or diminished in any way.

It's Zak, of course. Who else could it be? I won't pretend that he can love me, not yet, but I love him more than I can say, and that's what matters. He is glowingly healthy, happy, and smart, and I can't help but think that his well-being is due to my care. He brings me joy, he gives me a reason to believe that tomorrow will be a better day, as today is a better day due to him. Before he was born, he gave me the courage to fight back and leave, and to continue to fight. He cannot stand on his own, but it is he that helps me stand up for myself. It took much more than a strip of wood and a few words to bring him here, but he is my hero.

Time's Up.

I should have seen it coming when Zak was born. He's a beautiful boy, born with a full head of curls and a French vanilla ice cream complexion. He's gotten himself a caramel coating since then, but the head full of curls remains. I love my Milk Monster from head to toe, but I'm sure he'd like bath time more if he were one of those bald babies, and other than keeping it clean and rash-free, I don't think much about his skin at all. But my approach is not universal.

It started well before he was born. I expected some speculation over what Zak would look like, and that's perfectly fine-pregnancy seems to be all about speculation and anticipation. I'm surprised a betting pool didn't spring up over what sex Zak would be. But obsessing over how dark Zak would be, or how curly his hair would be, reminds me of a time when Zak's complexion was a passport to a world that would be closed to his dark-chocolate mother.

Yet I'm getting this from, among others, woman who lived during that time, and suffered for it. For she was no high-yellow snob: she's a dark-chocolate farm girl, who's worked hard for every penny she's ever earned. She faced ridicule and criticism for her rich brown skin and short curls, and she helps pass those antiquated ideals on to a boy born into the generation with the best chance yet for living in a world where the color of his skin matters no more than the color of his clothes.

I've tried to dismiss these attempts to rank him, by pointing out what really matters: that he's healthy and happy, and what's on his head matters much less than what's in it. Still, the grading by shade and degree of curl persists. One day, soon, I'm going to call time.

Black folk cannot effectively resist attempts to rank us by shade or hair texture if we insist on doing so ourselves; to a certain extent, how we treat ourselves is the way we will be treated by others. It's long past time to quit ranking one another by the tightness of our curls or the brightness of our skin. Those who are lighter, with more loosely curled or waved hair are not necessarily superior or supercilious; hair texture and color are accidents of birth, not products of a certain character, and they do not produce any personality traits. Those who are darker, with tightly curled or waved hair are not less intelligent, less civilized, and have no less inherent self-worth than any other sort of people. The finest minds lay behind faces of every hue and are topped by hair of every texture. The worst of humanity has laid claim to no color in particular. We have a black president, people. That shows that at slightly more than half the country was able to look past a candidate's skin color to what he has to offer as a politician and agent for change. It's time we got with the program.

On pins and knitting needles.

'Tis the season for cool weather knitting. And for learning to speak up for myself.
I've picked the Cozy Cardigan pattern by Patons, but instead of a Patons yarn, I grabbed some of the Fibranatura Baby Merino in my stash and started swatching. The colorway is "Johnny", an electric-blue/olive/tan mix. I'd post a pic of my swatch so far, but the camera and my computer aren't friends today. Phooey. Perhaps I'll get it sorted before I finally cast on.
Update: my swatch is below- still on the needles.





I'd bought the Baby Merino on clearance weeks before Zak was born, not knowing whether I had a boy or girl kicking me. It's a beautiful colorway, and I'd dreamed of whipping up a sweater-dress if I had a girl, or a hat-sweater bootie combo for a boy. It's a beautiful yarn, doesn't pool in garter stitch on size five needles- at least at my personal tension. I plan to swatch in stockinette, as well- but this garter stitch looks so right, I may skip it and do the pattern in garter stitch as indicated. And it's soft enough to be worn close to the skin. I keep touching it as I knit and type this entry.

There will, however, be one alteration to the pattern: the sleeves. I plan to make them a bit longer and wider than indicated, for a full sleeved cardigan that's slightly loose- that will lengthen the wear time, be easier to pull on, and provide an inch of extra warmth. I'm hoping to find wooden buttons- that will set off the colors perfectly.

I'm just glad that I didn't have my needles with me when someone decided to tear into me for not conforming to their ideas of what a young mother ought to be and do. To them, I just couldn't be a proper parent unless I was doing exactly what she did while raising her daughter, regardless of the fact that some of the things she did are illegal now.

I didn't have my knitting with me when I read her the riot act, but my statement to her and the sweater I'm working on share one thing: the importance of working with what you have, and valuing it. I don't have a house I can sell for ready cash or the yarn the pattern calls for. I don't have a husband that can help watch Zak, and the yarn I have may or may not be a proper match for the project. What I can do is what I can do, be it working from home or whipping out a yarn from my stash. I'm grateful that I can be at home with Zak, and glad I've a beautiful yarn to work with. Whatever comes of either Zak or the sweater is partly beyond my control- but I can choose to do my best with what I have, or whine about what someone else has.

So far, I have a glowingly healthy son and half a beautiful swatch. I think I'll just knit on.

The difference between milk and water.

I thought I'd be announcing my soon to be tasted freedom today. The divorce was supposed to be entered for judgment today. Note, I said supposed to be entered. Now, it looks like I'll be pondering my upcoming freedom past Thanksgiving.

The hearing is scheduled for late November. I thought I'd be a free woman by my next birthday (late October), and it will still be pending while I'm making homemade cranberry sauce and sipping mulled cider. I have the ominous feeling that this will drag on until Zak passes the bar.
This has been a strange journey: I was abused and cheated on, yet my ex was the one who filed. I was the one urging him to reconsider, yet my ex is the one calling me "babe" when he calls, which is far too often. In a sensible world, I would have filed, but life with the ex is a trip to Crazyland, so this is pretty mild by his standards.

He's divorcing me, but is still playing control games- trying to push me away and hold on at the same time. His latest game consists of agreeing to give Zak or me one thing, then pulling a last-minute switch. I ask for, e.g. money for feeding supplies, he goes out and gets poor substitutes for what I would have bought, and won't send them to my parents, basically making the items and admission price for a visit. I tell him to return them, he refuses, pouts, and finally sends me the money/the right item. Rinse and repeat.

He's quite free to have his say in what Zak wears, plays with, etc. I'd already made arrangements for him to be able to do so via email. But he doesn't want some say- he wants the same control he had while we were married, when I was too afraid to blink without his express permission.

Thank God, I'm out and away from him, but his attempts to resume control haven't ended. I plan to make additional steps toward freedom for myself, but this feels like a roadblock between me and the rest of my life.

Happy in the Nappy.

Zak is cloth-diapered about half the time, which saves money and prevents the dreaded midnight diaper run. But lest you think I prick myself a dozen times a day with diaper pins while trying to wrestle on a cotton diaper, I'll have you know that cloth diapers have changed a good deal since I was sporting them. They now come in various sizes, styles, and features my older sis would have given an eye to have when she was trying to get one of those flat cotton diapers on me. That said, I've plenty of those kind, too.

First, about any products I discuss: I'm not currently paid to recommend any brand, and even if I were, I'd offer my unvarnished opinion about anything I'm asked to review.

Fitted diapers come in several styles: with velcro and/or snaps, those that require waterproof covers and "all-in-one" styles, those that are sized like disposable diapers and the one-sized adjustable sort. They come in cotton, hemp and bamboo, unbleached and a rainbow of colors and prints. They are more convenient than ever, and can often be washed with regular laundry, with no more than a quick rinse beforehand.

Before Zak was born, I bought a few of the Bum Genius and Fuzzibuns brand fitted diapers. I figured I'd try them both, and buy more of the brand that suited Zak best. I also purchased a disposable/cloth hybrid sort called Gdiapers, which I'll discuss in a bit. If you plan to purchase fitted one-size diapers, I'd suggest getting a few fitted ones in the smallest size, should you have a peanut like my Zak- he wasn't a preemie or even very small, but he wasn't one of the ginormous tots you'll often see in strollers. He needed the extra-small diapers, but not for very long. If you buy them in all white, you can bleach them to remove any stains and pass them on- just run them through an extra cycle to remove any bleach residue.

My hands-down favorite: Bum Genius 3.0 All-in-one. They fasten with velcro, come in sized and one-size adjustable types, and can be tossed in the wash with regular laundry for the most part. The size adjusts with rows of snaps, and has a pocket to double the absorbency for night time or long trips. I also purchased the Fuzzibuns one-size style, but Zak seems to wiggle out of those much too easily for my comfort. The size adjusts with snaps and elasticized bands that button into place, which was too fiddly for me. Both brands come in cute pastels, brights, and classic white. I must confess that I've not tried Happy Heinys, Swaddlebees, or any other brand of fitted cloth diapers, but Zak and I are so happy with Bum Genius that we need not look further.

Flat cloth diapers come in hemp, cotton, and bamboo, in prefold (thicker in the middle) and completely flat styles. All require a waterproof cover and fastener. The metal diaper pins are still available, but a toothed fastener called Snappi makes it possible to fasten a diaper without risking puncture wounds. The waterproof covers now come in nylon, with fleece outers for cold weather, and in a variety of colors and prints. Some parents are able to skip fastening the cloth diaper beneath and simply close the cover over the folded diaper. I wish I knew one of those parents personally- either they are rodeo champions, or they have unusually sedate offspring. Neither the Snappi nor skipping fastening the cloth diaper worked for Zak- his ability to wriggle out of diapers has only been foiled by Bum Genius, Gdiapers, and a type of disposable that I'll discuss later. But flat cloth diapers have worked well for generations of parents, and they are indispensable as burp cloths, changing pads, cleaning rags, etc. I'd get those as a baby gift for any parent, no matter what diapering option they choose.

The Gdiaper: a disposable-cloth hybrid. How cool is that? The paper (or cloth, a brand-new option) based insert goes into a waterproof snap in liner, which in turn goes into a cloth velcro-fastened cover. If you're going out and don't want to haul around a dirty diaper, you can just toss out the paper insert, which is biodegradable. I used them for doctor's visits, so I need not carry around a dirty diaper, but I wouldn't have to toss out a clean disposable because the adhesive didn't survive the diaper being opened for weighing and the doc's inspection of Zak's boy bits.

However, I decided not to use Gdiapers any more. Why? Little boys are experts at stunt peeing, and my little guy kept making sure that his bits were well-positioned to wet the cover instead of the insert- there were too many diaper changes where the insert was bone-dry but the cover soaked through. I'd probably have a better shot at this with a girl, so if you've got a little girl, please give the Gdiapers a try. The inserts can be composted, flushed, or tossed away.

Last come the disposables. I wish I didn't rely on them so much, but when you're waiting for more diapers in the mail or in the wash, you do what you've got to. Lately, it's become easier to find unscented and even unbleached disposable diapers, like the Seventh Generation brand, but for Zak, what's important is something that stays on when he doesn't stay put. I've settled on Huggies Pure and Natural- they are bleached, but unscented and stay on quite well. The tabs are also soft, which was a concern when I found out that Zak was being scratched on the tabs of disposable diapers.

Which sort is best? I have my favorites, but they are based on my priorities, lifestyle and Zak's activity level. What I recommend is to keep an open mind, and remember that a purchase, gift, or free sample is not a binding contract. Whatever you decide, you should be happy with your nappies.